Buy the book here

🚀 The Book in 3 Sentences

1. Focusing on your mental wellbeing is not about eliminating negative thoughts or being happy all of the time.
2. The most basic wellness practices like sleep, meditation, and exercise have profound impacts on overall happiness and are some of the best indicators of future success.
3. Social connection and experiences should be valued over material gain for long-term happiness.

🎨 Impressions

This book was confirmation for me that many of the things I am prioritizing are exactly what I need to be doing. Not many college students do the things Dr. Bono talks about in this book which makes it difficult to stay consistent with these practices. Ultimately, we all just want to be happy and this book provides a robust and accessible guide to achieving happiness or at least becoming happy more often.

How I Discovered It

Dr. Bono is a professor at my school and he also happens to be my academic advisor. He has been super helpful and kind to me thus far so when I heard about his book from another professor I jumped on the opportunity to read it.

Who Should Read It?

I don't know who I have to reach in at the White House but this should be nationally mandated reading for all incoming college students, it's that important. Schools teach us all kinds of great things, but they gloss over the thing we all want the most: happiness. College is a time of great change in our lives and many people start to feel lost. Implementing the strategies Dr. Bono outlines in the book, which are geared towards college students, will have a profound impact on the wellbeing of any reader. Everyone wants to be happier so everyone should read this book.

☘️ How the Book Changed Me

• It opened my eyes to the idea that negative thoughts are not always a bad thing and actually have a purpose in our lives.
• I no longer see the goal of wellness as achieving happiness all of the time, it isn't possible and shouldn't be the goal. Instead, I now focus on how I can incrementally become happier.
• Experiences matter more than material possessions. When it comes to the investment of time or money for my own pleasure I know that investing in experiences is the way to go.
• Social connection is one of the best predictors of happiness, health, and overall wellbeing.

✍️ My Top 3 Quotes

• "'Being happy' implies a destination on the horizon instead of a process we can always be working toward."
• "Mathematically speaking, we can modify our happiness in one of two ways: by increasing the numerator (What We Have) or by decreasing the denominator (What We Want)."
• "In the end, likes and follows, shares and retweets aren’t enough to sustain well-being—but a life filled with close relationships and gratitude, a healthy body, and a sound mind can be the keys to authentic happiness."

📒 Summary + Notes

The Goal of Positive Psychology

Being Happy vs. Becoming Happier

The goal of positive psychology is not to make humans happy all of the time, it is to make us happier.

"Scientists have studied thousands of people from all walks of life, and we have yet to find anyone who is happy all the time. It is not something we expect to find, either."

In fact, a psychologically healthy young adult experiences positive emotions about 70% of the time. That means at least a couple of days per week you may not feel happy, and that's normal. Free yourself from the notion that you need to be happy all of the time and everything else that you read in this book becomes that much more applicable and realistic.

"At any given point, circumstances or conditions may be beyond our control. By asking what we can do to become happier, we place our attention on those aspects of life that are in our control, which ultimately can move us forward on the happiness continuum."

The Role of Negative Emotions

Along with dispelling the notion that we need to be happy all of the time Dr. Bono presents the idea that negative emotions and "bad days" are actually a positive thing. Relieving, right?

"Think about the last time you had a cough. It was most likely unpleasant, but it was probably improving your overall physical health: the act of coughing is a natural mechanism that helps to break apart noxious matter and send it on its way so that it won’t cause further harm. Psychologically, negative emotions operate in a similar way. They can prompt us to reflect on those aspects of life that may be driving our anxiety or despair, and lead us to make changes."

Instead of seeing negative emotions as a negative part of the human experience, viewing them as a positive adaptation can help to remove the bad feelings that come with negative emotions. At the very least, these feelings can become tolerable when we keep their purpose in mind. Without them, we wouldn't grow.

Another important reason to recognize the positive impact of negative emotions is so that they pass quicker. Dr. Bono asks the readers to try not to think about Polar Bears. Likely, all you can think about is Polar Bears right now.

"The act of trying not to think about something causes the thought to “rebound,” making us think about it even more than we otherwise would have. The same happens with our emotions. When we have a bad day, the act of trying not to feel bad can make us feel even worse. Instead, a healthier approach is to implement strategies that manage our angst productively"

What Real Happiness is

Social Media Won't Make You Happy

Social media is a rather new phenomenon, yet people were happy before it even came about. The danger of social media lays in the rank-income hypothesis. Essentially, we only feel good about ourselves based on how our goods and achievements compare to those around us. In the social media world we constantly compare ourselves to others to the detriment of our own happiness.

"Facebook has a causal influence on well-being. The more we use it, the worse we feel."

The Happiness Equation

Optimizing this simple equation is the key to happiness. We can tie this equation back to the rank income hypothesis. If we constantly compare what we have to what others have we will constantly want more. This means that no matter how much the numerator increases if people around us have more our happiness will never increase.

"Happy people are guided by internal values and standards, and are largely unaffected by others who may be outperforming them. For unhappy people the opposite is true. They are highly sensitive to how others are doing and will feel good about themselves so long as they are doing at least a little better relative to those around them."

One of the best ways to simultaneously increase the numerator and decrease the denominator is to practice gratitude.

"Students who spent time each week reflecting on their blessings felt significantly better about their lives overall, were more optimistic about the week ahead, and even got sick less frequently than those writing about hassles."

The only way for us to realize how much we have to be grateful for is to actively call those things to mind. How often are you thankful for the computer you're reading this on? Or how you never have to worry about going hungry? Or everything your parents have done for you? The list goes on. We have the option to dwell on the positive events in our lives or the negative ones. A daily gratitude practice is one way to shift the balance towards the former.

Moreover, the more we practice positive thinking whether that be through gratitude, or simply recalling positive memories or events when you feel down makes it easier to think positively in the future.

"Just as lifting heavy weights regularly strengthens muscles to make it easier to lift heavy things in the future, practicing positive thinking regularly builds neural substrates that make it easier to interpret neutral, ambiguous events with a bit more levity and positivity in the future."

Exercise- PLEASE

Mood + Energy

"Yes, you. It doesn’t matter where you are from or what external circumstances are unique to your life, exercise will make you happier."

Exercise is universal medicine. Everyone stands to gain from adding in regular exercise. There are so many different kinds of exercise but some sort of strength and aerobic training should be the focus.

Most of the time we don't workout because we simply don't have the energy to. However, most people can attest to the fact that when you go to the gym or wherever else you exercise and do it anyways you walk out feeling so much better. Personally, I have found that exercise every morning is the best way to kickstart my day. It also helps that exercise lowers your risk of mental illness, neurodegenerative disease, heart disease, and cancer more than any drug on the market.

Self-efficacy

One of the reasons that exercise is so powerful in fighting mental illness is the self-efficacy that it gives you. In fact, when exercise was compared to the drug Zoloft, a common drug to treat depression, exercise did better at relieving depressive symptoms.

"Not only was exercise just as effective at treating depression as Zoloft over a four-month period, but in the long run, exercise ended up being more effective as a buffer against relapse."

When we exercise, we take control of our own health instead of relying on external factors.

"self-efficacy [is] a sense that we are the masters of our own domains, capable of carrying out our work with confidence and competence."

"For those who were exercising, it was all due to an activity they had done on their own. For those who had also taken a drug, it was due at least in part to a substance they’d had to get from the psychiatrist, an external source."

Like I said earlier, completing exercise early in the day, or at any point in the day, gives you a sense of accomplishment and forces you to manage your time better resulting in ever more self-efficacy.

"So the next time you are in a rut, feeling unmotivated, or perhaps stressed about an upcoming exam or major assignment, get up and move around. Just a few minutes of physical activity may be all you need to quell your fears and increase your supply of energy to face the task at hand."

I could go on and on about the importance of exercise, but the moral of the story is that you should just do it. You don't need to run a marathon every day or put yourself through a demanding leg workout every time you step into the gym. Just try to add walking, yoga, or some other form of light exercise and then start adding in the more intense activity as you start to feel the profound effects exercise has on your happiness.

Sleep

"Year after year the students with the highest GPAs, best job offers, and acceptances to the most prestigious graduate programs are different in most ways. They have different majors, use different study strategies, come from different financial backgrounds, traveled varying distances to attend school in St. Louis, and are involved with different sports teams and extracurricular activities. But one perennial theme among the most successful graduating students is as predictable as an entering freshman’s wish to be successful in college: they prioritize sleep."

We could talk about all of the benefits sleep has on longevity, cognitive performance, risk of all disease, and so much more. The reality is if you are a student and want to succeed in college the only consistent predictor of your performance is your sleep. You can check out my article on how to get better sleep here.

Sleep Timing

"But it’s not just the amount of sleep we get that matters. It’s also in the timing. If we align our sleep cycles with the body’s natural rhythm, we can wake up feeling more refreshed."

The sleep cycle that best matches our circadian rhythms is going to bed at 11 pm and waking up at 7 am. This may not be realistic especially for college students but try to get as close as you can to that mark.

Moreover, our bodies naturally feel a mid-day slump. From the hours of 3 pm to 5 pm fitting in a 10-minute power nap can help to get you feeling refreshed without hindering your ability to fall asleep that night. Unless you have a full 90 minutes to sleep you should only sleep for 10 to avoid falling into deeper stages of sleep that will have you feeling more tired when you wake up. If you know that you will not be able to get up after just 10 minutes skip the nap altogether.

There is a lot more that goes into the science of sleep and everything that it can do for you, I highly recommend you read the book for more information.

Meditation

Attention

"One of the most common misconceptions about meditation is that it involves simply removing yourself from life’s distractions, taking a break, and calming yourself down through relaxation. Although that might be a side benefit, it’s more than “doing nothing,” ... Rather, it is an exercise in strengthening our ability to focus our attention on a given task."

Many people give up on meditation because their minds always start to wander. But that's supposed to happen, it's natural. The point of meditation is to improve our ability to see the wandering thought and bring our awareness back to the present moment. It is a lot like working out. Each time you pick up the weight you strengthen your muscles. Similarly, when you notice your wandering attention and bring it back you "flex" your attentional muscles making them stronger.

Interestingly, studies on college students have shown improves standardized test performance for students that meditate as they are better able to control their thoughts and saw an increase in working memory. Meditation is a practical performance enhancer.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, without judgment. In one study on college students where they were prompted on their phones about what they were doing and how they were feeling, those who were present in their situations consistently reported feeling happier. It didn't matter if the experience was pleasant or not, even being stuck in traffic is better when you are present in that moment instead of letting your mind wander.

Mindfulness is something that you should try to practice throughout your day. However, meditation is a tool that you can use to improve your ability to be mindful. From experience, after just a few days of meditating, I began to notice my increased mindfulness.

"Tempting as it may be to fill the quiet, tedious, or boring spaces in your day with activity from a mobile device, you can use them instead as opportunities to practice mindfulness. As you are walking to class or to a meeting, pay attention to your surroundings—the colors of the trees and the sounds of cars driving by on the roads around you."

My favorite app for meditation, which also happens to be Dr. Bono's recommendation, is Insight Timer. It is free and has thousands of meditations. I can honestly say that using this app every morning for the past 8 months has changed my life.

Failure is Your Friend

Authentic Self-esteem

There was a big push in society known as the "everyone gets a trophy" movement. While well-intentioned, it overlooked the authenticity of the self-esteem it instilled in children and overlooked the value of failure.

"Although it may have felt good at the time, those awards from our coaches—just like the posters and certificates from our teachers—were pushing our self-esteem needles to 'Full.'"

"The praise young people were showered with growing up has translated to negative outcomes as they enter adulthood."

The self-esteem movement overlooked three key elements that are at the core of our success and wellbeing: perseverance in the face of adversity, the ability to glean wisdom from setbacks, and a willingness to lean into life's challenges.

"Everyone feels good after a success. It’s in the aftermath of a stumble or a fall when you really get a sense of someone’s psychological strength."

When someone has authentic self-esteem they won't crumble when things get tough. Those that were showered with unwarranted praise have a distorted idea of what it means to succeed and fight through adversity.

"The people who ended up with the best outcomes—most satisfied with their lives and functioning best in their relationships and at work—were not the individuals who had never encountered adversity growing up. Rather, it was the adults who had experienced some adversity who were the best off."

The best predictor of your ability to bounce back from adversity is your previous experience with adversity. Adversity makes you stronger and the key to psychological wellbeing is embracing that fact.

We can achieve this authentic self-esteem by adopting a growth mindset.

"Those with a growth mindset understand this and look forward to challenges, knowing how much they will learn from them. According to Dweck, these people don’t just seek a challenge, they thrive on it."

It is crucial to understand that you can get better at something, and it will be tough at first. Leaning into these challenges is what builds authentic self-esteem and makes you a happier person.

Willpower

"willpower is like a muscle: the more we use it, the stronger it becomes; and the less we use it, the weaker it becomes."

Willpower is one of the most sought-after qualities, and it important to understand how it works and how we can strengthen it. According to the Ego Depletion model of willpower we all have a set amount of willpower during the day and each task we do or decision we make slowly depletes it.

In one study, students were put in two groups, those that had to eat radishes while avoiding chocolate in front of them and another that was allowed to eat the chocolate. Those that didn't need to restrain themselves from the chocolate subsequently put more effort into solving unsolvable puzzles the researchers presented them with.

While it may be frightening that you deplete your willpower in all aspects of life, that also means you can strengthen it anywhere.

"once willpower is strong in one domain of life, it carries over to just about everything else we do."

For example, in one study where participants were told to start regularly going to the gym resulted in benefits across their whole lives:

"They ate less junk food, smoked fewer cigarettes, drank less alcohol, spent less money on impulse buys, missed fewer appointments, watched less TV, studied more, lost their tempers less often, and even left fewer dirty dishes in the sink. They also showed more concentration and less distraction on a computer-based lab task."

The moral of the story is that you should flex your willpower muscles whenever you can, and just like your actual muscles, they will get stronger. Resist the urge to eat the chocolate bar, check Instagram, or stay in bed and you will see yourself improve.

However, it is also important to save your willpower when possible. Develop strong systems, like I talk about in my productivity article, and break your large goals down into smaller, more manageable steps.

Time Management

Deadlines Matter

"This is the paradox of time: you might think that having more time is always better, but sometimes having less time is what serves us best of all."

Time management is not about creating more time in the day, it is about effectively managing the time that we do have.

Creating the right amount of arousal through a deadline is key to getting your work done in a timely manner.

"Stress isn’t necessarily created by the objective amount of work or the actual amount of time you have. Instead stress comes from the perception that the work can’t be done in the time allotted."

Dr. Bono recommends that people who are more extroverted, or those who thrive on arousal, work in more social environments, like a coffee shop, and set their deadlines a little closer. The opposite is true for introverts: work in a quiet place and work a little further out from your deadlines.

Give Your Time to Get More

"Spending time prosocially is more effective in relieving the pressure of time."

Those who spent time helping others when they were stressed or felt pressed for time actually ended up managing their time better. Giving your time not only makes you value the little time you have to do your work more but helping others makes you feel good. When you feel good it is easier to do work.

It feels counterintuitive, but next time your are pressed for time try helping someone out.

The Skew Towards Negativity

Positive-negative asymmetry

In most modern languages there are significantly more words for negative emotions than there are for positive ones. Feeling bad then may seem more pervasive because it comes in so many different forms.

It doesn't help that our brains hang on to negative experience more than positive experience:

"A study conducted by Dr. Randy Larsen tracked the emotional ups and downs of college students for a semester, and found that the negativity of bad events stayed with the students significantly longer than the positivity of good events."

One common strategy for relieving negative emotions is venting. Unfortunately, venting just makes the negative emotions more pronounced.

"Venting, it turns out, slows down our descent. Screaming or punching a bag prolongs the anger, delaying our emotional system’s natural return to a calmer state."

"Venting is like adding gasoline to a fire"

Getting Rid of Negative Emotions

One of the best ways to work through emotions is by journaling (Why You Should Journal Twice Daily).

"Though difficult at first, translating a painful experience into language appears to carry benefits psychologically, physically, cognitively, and even socially."

"When something is bothering you, set a timer for fifteen minutes. Recount as much of the experience that led up to the emotion as you can from start to finish. Describe how you felt each step along the way. Use whatever format feels natural for you, whether e-mail, text, a note on a phone app, or good old-fashioned paper and pencil."

Another way to work through negative emotions is a random act of kindness. Both you and the person you help benefit and it leaves you feeling happier.

Social Connection

Experience > Possessions

When it comes to spending money, spending money on experiences has a much higher return on investment for happiness than spending money on possessions does. This is because experiences create happiness in anticipation for the experience, during the experience, and looking back on the experience. Anytime you feel down, you now have another memory to draw on to help you start to feel better.

"Some studies find that the happiness from anticipating an experience can be even greater than the happiness we get from the experience itself."

Not only do these memories benefit us, but they facilitate social connection by talking about them. When you have interesting stories to tell, people get enjoyment from hearing them. Moreover, you can connect to others through shared experiences or interests you find in replaying these memories.

People > Things

This is the same idea as experience > possessions. If you want to be happy value people and relationships over material success.

"For our physical health, strong social support systems provide a buffer against illness and mortality. And when it comes to increasing our happiness, nothing offers a greater return on investment."

Healthy relationships, helping others, and meeting new people all enhance social connection and will have an immense impact on your happiness and overall wellbeing.

"If you really want to be kind to yourself, the best way is by being kind to someone else."

"If we had to predict a person’s happiness from only one piece of data, we would use the strength of their social relationships."

There is so much more to this book than I was able to cover. My goal was 2,500 words and this ended up being over 4,000 which goes to show how much great information there is in here. For everyone, especially college students, stop reading any other self-help book and just start with this, it truly covers it all!